how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
