I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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