you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize