and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
