update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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