i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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