I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
