The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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