The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
