I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
