I am midnight drunk by noon
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
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why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
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he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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