She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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