just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
They have beer where we have blood.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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