I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
