I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
