He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
