I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
