I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
