where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
