You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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