y did u give ur computer a hand job?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
