look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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