were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize
