I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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