Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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