I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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