i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
