the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
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He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
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Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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