I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
