If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
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He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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