how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
