if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
