haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize