the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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