Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm too high and old for this...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
