i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
