so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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