I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
