just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
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Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
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I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
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