How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
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