I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize