You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
