i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
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