i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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