You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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