I am midnight drunk by noon
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
