I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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