I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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