Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
