I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
