it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
