Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
