i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
