The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
this boner is exhausting
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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